Sometimes I wonder why I’m here. That’s a very popular phrase I think. “I wonder why I’m here” well yes, that’s the million dollar question. One can ask themselves that no matter where you are in the world, I’ve asked that question more than I can count over the years. Never once have I had a satisfactory answer, or at least not one that I didn’t have a counter answer to. But here…it’s a strange situation of generally happy, me being happy living abroad, on an island in the pacific, living the childhood dream that I had. But I didn’t join the Peace Corps in order to make myself happy, and there are times when I feel like that’s all that I’m doing.
I wish I knew Peace Corps volunteers from other countries. I feel like it’s really hard to live up to the idea of what a volunteer is…here. When I thought about becoming a volunteer, yes the idea of living abroad not at my own cost was very appealing, but I would be a pathetic person if that were my only motivation. I wanted to help. I had romantic ideals of fighting AIDS in
I’m torn though these days, from being happy, then guilty for being happy, to content, then frustrated that I can’t seem to help anyone except in ways that I decide on. I have nothing but contradictory feelings about living here as a Peace Corps Volunteer. I think about leaving because I feel like I’m taking advantage of a system that’s placed me somewhere where it’s perfectly acceptable not to do anything, no one will complain, and God I wish they would. But I don’t want to quit, don’t want to be a quitter, then that would be shameful, disappointing. Talk about your proverbial rock and hard place.
I’m not the only volunteer who feels this way, hell people have quit for the reason of not feeling like they are put to use, that there’s no reason for them to be here. And that’s the key! There’s only so much you can do with your own motivation when it comes to helping others. If it were just me being responsible for me, then I wouldn’t care about the effort of others…but how can you help people for 2 entire years when it’s one-sided, when it’s always you the volunteer coming up with projects. How do you continue to justify being somewhere for the purpose of helping when no one seems to want actual help?
Don’t get me wrong, there are people doing great work here, we’re in different situations though, every volunteer is in a different place, different mind-set, different lots of things. That’s why some people stay and some leave, and then the rest of us don’t know what’s best. To stay when you feel it’s wrong, or to leave and feel like you’ve failed. I’m the first one to say ‘just get through it,’ ‘find your niche,’ ‘it doesn’t matter how many people you help or how you help them, help is help’. But it’s starting to feel like I’m expected to make people happy, not help them. And believe it or not, there’s a huge difference. At least I believe there’s a difference.
I came here to help people, not make them happy, happiness is an individuals’ own responsibility. I didn’t come here to make people happy by being the village Palangi, or jester it seems, that you can make fun of with jokes she doesn’t understand, play dress up, or try to have her say things that will be funny because she doesn’t know what stupid, likely dirty, thing she’s saying. Hell, I’ve even heard that vegan volunteers have actually felt obligated to eat meat to make Tongans happy! WHAT? When was this in the description of service? When is it integrating with a culture and when is it just going completely against what you are and things that are truly important to you.
Yes, integration is important, yes, yes, yes, to all, but people need problems and motivation to do something about those problems, in order for someone to actually help them right?? Well all the integration and playing the role that’s expected, doesn’t magically instill motivation inside people to help themselves. It is absolutely mind numbing to think that someone actually requested a volunteer for my village, when the only projects I’ve been involved with have been only by my own insistence.
Now that I think about it, it’s strange that we are trained to help figure out problems for when we get to our communities, shouldn’t someone have an idea already? I mean isn’t that how they got the damn volunteer in the first place? Because there are supposed issues, problems, or at the very least people who think there are, I mean if we’re here that means someone in this place felt that there was a need, right? Well…Where is that guy? WHERE??? I’ve asked, I’ve begged, I don’t know what else to do! So here I am. Constantly I’m typing, writing, reading, listening to songs that are the same as they ever were but now carry different meanings, and having yet another evening of this, whatever this is. This could be a book, yes it could, and I’m definitely writing enough to constitute a damn novel. Is it wrong that I have time to write this best-seller?
Volunteers, former and current, and administration would possibly say that I need to get out into my community more. I’ve been here for a year getting out into my village, I see that option as just a way to piss me off more, when after making even more of an effort to do the things that really make me uncomfortable, there is still no difference in the amount of interest shown as to why I’m here. Besides, I know plenty of volunteers who speak better Tongan, are considered to be better integrated, and have as much or less success than I do when it comes to projects. What’s more, there are volunteers who have gone above and beyond what you could call sufficient efforts in integration, following all the rules, and trying their absolute best to be faka-Tonga, and in return are shown the most disrespect that you can possibly imagine. So don’t tell me if we do this and that, play by these little rules that you review with us before we start to play this game to make them happy, then we can really help them. You can’t help people for extended periods of time, with extended projects especially, if they don’t want to help themselves. Yes, take initiative, yes come up with ideas, yes be motivated, just do it! But we, the volunteers, can’t just do what we feel is best all the time. I didn’t think that was the business we were in anyway.
Am I saying this right? Is this all coming out in a way that I mean? I’ll tell you what I don’t mean. I don’t mean that I don’t enjoy being here; for the most part that is. I spend plenty of time with neighbors and attend as many community functions that I can. I’m alright. I don’t mean that I don’t like the people. There are bad seeds like the rest of the world, hell it’s like 10pm right now and there are guys hanging around outside my house as usual, I can hear them talking…don’t ask me what the hell they’re doing and why the situation isn’t going to change. But I’ve also met people with good hearts, and I’ve learned a lot about what makes a decent person and neighbor in life. I don’t mean that Peace Corps isn’t what I expected, my Peace Corps experience isn’t what I expected, don’t confuse the two. Lots of wonderful things have happened, and I certainly don’t mean that I haven’t done anything worthwhile in my time here; I’m just not entirely sure what worthwhile really means.
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