The 11th Plague

There are bad movies out there, worse than dogs that bite or 3rd degree burns, except that the damage these movies can do don’t heal nearly as quickly. Movies like “The Nines,” “I Heart Huckabee,” and that one movie that Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman did before they split up…they were a weird married couple that smoked a lot of pot…well I can’t remember, but these are precious hours of life that are lost forever…And sometimes we even pay for it!
And you know what, anyone that knows me, knows that my taste in movies and television isn’t exactly impeccable. I happen to dance to the beat of the classic works of Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis, any Mel Gibson movie, Star Trek (not Star Wars) and nothing past Captain Pecard is appealing. But even I know when to say…umm really?

People will disagree…you may disagree…plenty of people have said in the past, “But Shannon, I absolutely loved, NO…adored ‘I Heart Huckabee.’” Well, I just have one question for you then…at the time of your viewing of this movie were you under the influence or not? HA and there’s your answer…in my opinion movies are like driving, it’s probably going to work out in your best interest that you be sober when you do it. Or else you are doomed to wander the earth telling people you like movies that shouldn’t get past the point of “should we make this movie?”

There are so many bad movies here, in Tonga, it’s like the worlds dump site for the movies that aren’t even allowed to be stored in the country they were created in. There are good ones, but mostly bad in some way or entirely. I watched this M. Knight Shamyllan movie that I found in one of the stores that sells burned DVDs. See, these copies are hit and miss; you pay 2 or 3 pa’anga for a movie that was either burned from a good copied, video taped in a theatre, etc. Back to the movie…I like M. Knight in general…’Lady in the Water’ was pushing it, but I can look past it. But this movie here, ‘The Happening,’ I hadn’t heard of before and Marki Mark was in it!

It…was…awful. No wonder I’d never heard of it, even in America with the plethora of crap released every year, we don’t allow such atrocities. But it’s here, ready to be viewed by unsuspecting Tongans, who many after watching a movie like this will think we must all walk and talk like we star in 1953 ‘B’ movies and roll ourselves over with lawnmowers. Ugh…you know that show “Mystery Science Theatre 3000”? Well if you don’t then Google it or download an episode and make the knowledge happen for yourself. Anyway, when you do you’ll understand why movies like “The Happening,” “I Heart Huckabee,” “The Nines,” and God help me Dane Cook should not be allowed to make one more movie! Then you’ll know why they all need to be on ‘Mystery Science Theatre 3000.’ Is that show still on?

So what am I doing here these days? How am I volunteering my time? I’m making a list of all the movies people should....EYES WIDE SHUT! that's the name of the really bad Tom and Nichole movie... a list of all the movies that people should be watching here instead of these others, make a copy of them when I’m in the states, bring them back here, and eradicate the sinful hold that the bad movies have on this nation. Once I bring the movies the natural order of things occur. The movie sellers will burn endless copies for supply and, if there is justice in the world, bad movies will start spontaneously combusting. I’m doing my part by spending my church time praying for that day to come…you can too.

By the way, if you guys ever really want to read about Tonga or work in Tonga, I hear Steve’s blog is pretty good for that…